In the aftermath of Daniel Tosh’s spectacular assholery, I’ve had it “brought to my attention” (including by my own cousin) that this is just the nature of comedy. People joke about uncomfortable things! Shock value! Ha! Ha! Funny! George Carlin joked about it; that makes it okay! There’s a precedent!

So, I was thinking. If rape jokes are funny because they’re shocking and visceral, why not go the whole hog and really give the audience a picture of how rape goes? It’ll be hilarious! Come on, now, it’s just good fun! It’s comedy! You can’t have a sense of humor and expect not to be offended!

 

TRIGGER WARNING. LOOK AT THIS GREAT BIG MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING I’M PUTTING HERE. SERIOUSLY.

If you are a survivor of sexual assault, you probably should not read this.

If you are easily made uncomfortable, you probably should not read this.

I meant it when I said visceral.

My intent is not to trigger anyone. Ever.

My intent is to show these apologist shitwads exactly what the fuck they’re laughing at.

Here, I’ve got a great joke. Imagine yourself in a nice little comedy club, if you want. Plastic chairs, colored lights, the sound of the bartender’s margarita mixer occasionally drowning out a delicate joke setup. Maybe that setting will get you in the mood for this a little better (though nobody has ever seemed to care much if I was in the mood for anything, hurr hurr hurr). Now, sit down and hang tight, because here’s that joke I was talking about.

 

Okay, so, see, this one time, this girl got raped! Hey, this shit happens, right? But no, wait, it gets better.

See, she was just hangin’ out with this guy, a friend of his, y’know? In fact, he said she was like a sister to him! That’s what he told her when she asked. Holy shit, if this is what this guy does with his sisters, I’d hate to see how he was with his mom, huh?! Ha ha ha!

 

No, seriously, though, anyway, he rapes her. No no no, that’s not it! I didn’t mean to leave you hanging. I mean, like, it’s not pretty, you know? He doesn’t even use his dick the first time. I know, right? What kinda fucking weirdo is this guy? You’ve got some chick mostly naked on the floor, so scared she can’t move – shit, you can see her shaking across the room – and you don’t try to get your rocks off? If you ask me, that’s the fucked up part. But anyway, yeah, it gets even better! He puts a belt around her neck, right? And the really fucking weird part, he makes her hold the end of it for some of the time. And, like, if she doesn’t keep it tight enough, then he hits her. Not even on the face, y’know? Right between the legs. Guess he realized the face wasn’t exactly the important part anyway, huh?

 

Anyway, no, you’ll love this part. He keeps almost letting her up, acting like he’s gonna let her put her clothes back on, and then instead he just crams his fingers back into her – the wrong way, too, so that his knuckles catch every time and she’ll hurt for the rest of the day. Anything worth doing is worth doing right, huh? I thought so! I tell ya, this guy really covers his bases here. And afterward, he takes his teeth off of her clit, and he just starts laughing and puts his shirt on and asks her if she wants help with her calculus homework. She’s almost crying at this point, but makes herself squeak out a laugh when he cackles something about what-if-their-mutual-friend-had-walked-in-on-that? See? Rape is funny! She was laughing!

 

But wait, wait, it gets better!

Okay, so it’s like a year later, right? And she still has to put on rubber gloves if she’s going to shave her crotch, because she can’t stand to touch it; but the best part is, she has to shave it, otherwise the hair stings and hurts and it feels just like his teeth! Man, I mean, this crazy bitch has scars all over her cooter just from picking at it- with needles, even. Half the fucking laundry in her hamper has blood on it. I don’t know what the fuck she’s trying to do, it’s not like she can unrape herself, and she sure as shit isn’t making herself look much prettier! But hey, why bother – the really funny part is that nobody would even want her now, anyway! Oh, sure, I mean, she can still make herself have sex – I mean, that’s all she’s really good for, right? But it’s not like she doesn’t know what’s up; and anyway, who the fuck wants a used car, right? Especially one that’s been stolen a couple times? Ha ha ha! Dude, she’s totally wrecked. And even better? Her best friend, dude, he doesn’t fucking believe her. He’s the one that the dude who raped her talked about, right after – that whole “what if he’d walked in” thing? That was the punchline! What if he had walked in! It’s funny because maybe then it would’ve stopped. Maybe then she’d still feel like she could trust somebody. Maybe, shit, maybe she wouldn’t sometimes wish that he’d just killed her afterward!

But you know what? She does! And that’s the funniest part, too! Bitch goes through all that because she’s scared, then, bam, soon as it’s too late, wishes it would’ve ended then anyway! What a weirdo.

 

 

 
It’s hilarious, right? It’s funny, right? No? No it isn’t? Then why the fuck is it funny when George Carlin talks about robbers raping an 80-year-old woman?

Tell me how you can laugh at that and still call yourself a goddamn human.

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