I have feelings sometimes in some capacity.
Sometimes I have feelings toward a person.
Sometimes they are not necessarily platonic feelings (though I would not go to far as to say “sexual”. “Romantic” sounds fucking goofy, but it’s the closest thing I can come up with. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to look at someone and think hot damn I would like to do non-PG-rated things with that person over there if they were into it too).
Sometimes they are not reciprocated (they aren’t in this case; I’d put a lot of money on that).
And this is okay.
It gets less okay when, like a lot (no, seriously, a lot) of your other friends, said person is going to be a part of your college’s Campus Living staff next year.
I gots me some issues with the idea that, next year – or probably before, actually, I’m not sure what the training schedule on these things is – this person will probably have a lot of access to information about me and the sexual assault case and all sorts of other things that I don’t even know is documented out there.
It’s not that I don’t trust hir or anything. Ze’s a good person as far as I’m concerned, and a lot of other people feel the same way. Realistically, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who has a bad thing to say about hir. This is one out of many reasons that I will never actually pursue anything to do with the feelings I may have for hir. I don’t think I could handle the idea of being involved with someone who is generally accepted as Grade-A Awesome, because I’d feel like I was somehow Bringing Them Down To My Level, and My Level is not a place where Grade-A Awesome belongs.
Back to my point. It’s not that I don’t think ze would be responsible with this information. It’s not even that I’m egocentric enough to think that this information would be particularly earth-shattering for anyone in particular. I am not an especially special little snowflake. But it’s embarrassing and nerve-wracking to me on a pretty basic and dumb level, because what if there are things out there that basically say Oh Hey This Girl Is Making A Big Deal Out Of Nothing? What if there is documentation of someone in the administration thinking that I Was Making It All Up For Attention? What about the people who know that The Other Girl Had It Much Worse And This Avvie Chick Is Just The One Raising All The Fuss Over A Lesser Thing? What if the actual report makes its way across hir desk and ze reads it and thinks that was it, that was all? What if, god-I-don’t-believe-in forbid, Dean J made some sort of report or memo or whatever after our meeting last week? Fuck.
NOT THAT I OVERTHINK THINGS OR FREAK OUT OVER TOTALLY INSIGNIFICANT THINGS NOPE OF COURSE NOT.
In the end, it doesn’t matter, because I really don’t plan to make this a thing I pursue at all. First and foremost, because this person is a good friend and I don’t feel like making hir uncomfortable – or, just as bad, feel like ze has to give me a Let Avvie Down Gently talk, because that’s not necessary. And by that I mean that I already know that ze doesn’t have the same sort of feelings (shit, I don’t even know if I have them, because my own romantic/sexual feelings are just totally alien and nebulous to me at this point), and even if ze did I really wouldn’t know where to go from there. So that sort of talk would probably just be awkward for the both of us.
I also don’t want hir to change how ze acts around me in an effort to Not Lead Me On, because I don’t feel lead on at all. I feel like ze has been pretty clear, though not verbally, that they are not looking for Anything Like That. So it’s not like I go around looking for excuses to assume otherwise. I think I know where we stand right now.
Besides, I am very very good at making feelings like this just go away. Once I decide to do it, it’s pretty much done. Hard to reverse, unfortunately, though I guess in the end that might be a good thing. I can’t imagine under what circumstances engaging in a romantic relationship again would be a good decision for me. I am afraid of and disgusted by everyone who I consider On My Level, and I don’t know how to get past the guilt I would feel in dragging down someone Good And Awesome. I guess it sort of hearkens back to a Groucho Marx quip: I don’t want to join any club that would have me as a member. Which is not to say that I think anyone who would have feelings for me is automatically Yucky. Totally the opposite. Maybe someone Good and Awesome could have a thing for me, but only if they were missing or trying to ignore some vital piece of what the fuck I am.
Yes, I’m more than my experiences. Yes, yes, yes. But I am dumbfounded by the suggestion that someone could find me sexually desirable when I feel like a dirty towel that someone jizzed on and then crumpled in the bottom of the hamper. I am dumbfounded that someone could enjoy my company when I sometimes forget how to make words work at all, or get nervous and talk far too much and end up only really opening my mouth to switch feet, so to speak (this seems to happen increasingly around The Person I Think I Have Feelings For). I am dumbfounded that anyone could think I’m pretty when all I can see are the scars from picking at my skin too much and the baggy sweatshirts I’ve made my uniform because I’m so, so afraid of being labeled That Slut Who Was Just Asking For It Anyway.
Like I said, this is all silly. This is my brain puking out words of dubious worth in a desperate attempt to avoid thinking about the paper due thursday and my next Calc II exam and the SARA training I went to today and the bank statement I still need to read.
But if anyone managed to wade through that big puddle of silly, meaningless words and get something out of it, then, hey, thanks anyway. ^^;