Fifty-eight minutes and counting until I go in to confront Dean J.

 

Confession: I have no fucking idea what I’m doing.

Actually, I don’t think that was quite emphatic enough to describe how I feel about this. Let’s try that again:

 

I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT I’M DOING

There, that just about sums it up.

See, I’m not a person who is good with authority, or standing up for myself, or being angry at people. I guess, in the end, the way I feel about Dean J parallels how I feel about My Rapist in one important aspect: if I focus on my own end of it, I mostly just feel confused and frustrated. In order to stay indignant, angry, and/or confrontational, I have to think about the Other Girl’s side of the equation.

That is going to be problematic, because she is coming with me to talk with Dean J. At risk of feeling like I’m bulldozing/talking over her/putting words in her mouth, I’m going to have to let her handle her own side of things, and handle my own myself. I don’t know how well I am going to do with that, because I tend to be far, far too understanding.

I need to somehow keep myself from saying “oh, it’s okay, I understand” to any excuses he might make. I need to remember that the way he treated the case was in a lot of ways fucked up from an objective viewpoint, and that the administration’s actions in a way led to the rape – and I need to remind myself that somehow, somehow, somehow I didn’t Deserve The Rape. Because it’s damn hard to hold someone else accountable for something that happened to me when I still automatically withdraw into my little chrysalis of I Am The One To Blame I Taught Him To Rape By Not Stopping Him He Tried To Kill Himself Because Of Me I Must Have Been Asking For It Who Am I To Ruin His Life He Raped The Other Girl He Did Not Rape Me It Is Not My Place To Talk About. I need to stop making myself The Bad Guy.

I have no idea how I am going to do that.

I need something to make me angry – make me feel something other than depressed, which is a funk I have been unable to pull myself out of for a while now – and I need it within the next 30 minutes. I’m going to be talking to The Other Girl before Dean J, so that will help. I hope. Something probably will.

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