This video. This video is the first thing in a week that has actually made me feel something.
I would like to write about having gone to the police but, to be honest, I could only tell about a quarter of the story at this point. Or, well, I assume. I don’t know. Maybe they were lying, and they won’t call me back, and nothing will come of it. I don’t know which way I would prefer at this point. I can’t help but feel like, either way, I’ve painted myself into a corner.
So, instead, here’s what I have to offer tonight. I’m sorry that I’m probably out of practice at this. A week or two can be such a long time, somehow.
A word to the wise, to every other victim out there. To every other human being who has ever let it all fester inside of them for Someone Else’s Sake: who never told or waited Too Long to tell about how he laughed afterwards, about the way she drunkenly slurred shhhhhhhhhh-don’t-let-anyone-hear, about how they took turns until you almost tore, about the orgasm that you’re ashamed you had or the black eye you were left with. And all because there was someone out there who couldn’t handle to know the truth. Someone who could be hurt. Someone who could be in danger. Someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t or didn’t want to believe you.
To all of you, I believe you. I support you. I will stand there and I will take all the bullshit you want to dole out to everyone just to make sure they’re not bluffing, and I will absorb it and smile back and still call you what I used to. I will take all that bullshit because I know what it’s like to want to dish it out, to hate what they expect of you; to hate the don’t dwell on it and the you’ve changed and the I don’t know what you expect me to do. I will take what I wish I knew how to give: all the anger and confusion and everything else that you keep bottled up inside so deeply even you barely recognize it
because maybe, like me, you had that One Person.
A word to the wise:
Do not have That One Person.
If someone tries to make anything a never or an always, run, don’t walk, away.
Because if I have learned anything of late, it is that even the most well-intentioned people have very fucked up ideas about the Right Reactions to everything you and I have been through. I say “fucked up”, but for all I know it’s the Right way, too. I don’t understand that. I don’t understand how anyone is trying to make a rational, moral statement out of something so inherently complicated and subjective. But the point is, they will, eventually. Or they might – in my experience, they will. And when that time comes, I’ve found, all that never and always goes right out the window.
So, don’t make the mistake I’ve made. Remember: I am not a role model. I never have been a role model.
Don’t have that One Person who you rely on, who tells you to call late at night when you can feel the bottom dropping out of your stomach and the world suddenly seems simultaneously too big and too empty.
Friends are important. Friends are support, and support is something you need as much as you can get of right now.
But for fuck’s sake, don’t do what I did. Don’t assume that anyone ever really means a never or an always, because people are fickle, and people say one thing and do another; and sometimes, that another can be something like threatening to go to the police for you if you don’t do it yourself.
Or referring to you as “[Rapist]’s Sloppy Seconds”.
Or calling the fact that you kept your rape secret a Betrayal to them.
Or something as subtle as, not 12 hours after you’ve finally reported to the police something that you’ve had eating away at you for a year, suddenly informing you that they are your friend out of Pity.
Fuck this, I’m going to bed. Expect an actually productive post within the next few days: I’ve had one a-brewin’ about allies’/advocates’ responses to rape. Also, I’m planning on putting up an “emergency info for victims” type page, so once I get my ducks in a row over that, expect that to surface as well.